I know you want to give up. I know you look around, and all you see is pain, or shame, or self-hatred…just stop. Let it go. You are SO beautiful, and you have an amazing life ahead of you. You have so much to give, and you have so much love to receive.
I am so sorry that you have had to suffer so horribly. I’m sorry for the stinging words, the barbed insults, the ignorant judgments, the acts of violence, everything. It is not okay that you went through all of that. Even if the people who hurt you never apologize, I am here to say, on their behalf, and on behalf of humanity, I am so sorry. If I could meet you right now, I would give you the most gigantic hug, and hug you until all the pain was gone. You are never alone. You are a part of humanity. If people knew what was going on in your mind, I guarantee you would have TONS of people begging you not to go. You are human, you are important, and you are loved.
I understand exactly how you feel, because I have tried to commit suicide. I felt alone. Angry. Miserable. Like nobody loved or wanted me. I felt like there was this beautiful world all around me, full of happy, laughing people who belonged somewhere. And I felt like I was completely shut off from this world, not allowed to bask in the love and joy like other people.
I felt like this horrible, unlovable thing. I felt like I had to end it, and like there was only one way to end it. Thankfully, my friends were alerted to what was going on, and I was saved because of them. I had so many people who were concerned and reached out to me. I had no idea that people cared so much about me, or maybe I just couldn’t understand it at the time. I tried to take myself out of this world, and I had people reach out and keep me alive.
It took a long time to fix me and pull me out of that dark, horrible place I had sunk into, a lot of professional help, and a lot of work on my behalf. But a year and a half later, I am so glad that my attempt was unsuccessful.
I moved from my home in Massachusetts when I was twelve, and I felt like I had lost everything- my home, my friends, my identity. I got bullied horribly on and off from ages 12-18. I was made fun of for everything, even the way I walked and talked. I had people go on Facebook and write statuses about how I was an ogre, and my classmates commented about how funny that was. My self-esteem took a nose dive.
I had a lot of family problems going on, including my father getting cancer and my mother having a stroke, all while I was in high school. My friends all got boyfriends and were moving forward with their lives, and I felt like I was just on my own, with the horrible sinking feeling in my heart as my only company. By the time I got to college, I had no energy, and I was on the verge on going into a horrible clinical depression. I got to the point where it was too hard to get up and move from my bed. I almost dropped out of college. I was crying constantly. I started cutting my wrists. I was upset, and miserable, and ashamed, and embarrassed. I felt completely vulnerable and like nobody cared. A lot of people didn’t understand.
However, a lot of people did actually care, and a lot of people helped me through it. I have gotten out of my depression, and I have graduated college. I’m going to grad school in the fall. I have a lot of friends and family that love me, and I have so much potential and hope for the future. I felt like there was no hope for me when I was in the middle of it all, but I got through it, and the storms have calmed. I’m in a much better place, and I am much stronger for all I have gone through. I’m sharing all of this because I really want you to know that you can get through it too.
The message I want you to take in is this: You can heal. You are more powerful than you could ever imagine. You can persevere, and be this amazing person that you already are deep inside of you. You are stronger than all your demons, no matter what they tell you, no matter what awful words and self-judgments are within your head.
I know you don’t feel strong right now, but you have, deep inside you, a little voice that is saying, “No, I will not do this. I will hang on.” You just have to listen for it, believe in it, and believe in yourself. I know you may have gotten to a point where you feel like you can’t feel anymore. But deep within you, you want to live. You DESERVE to live. I believe in you, and know you can get through this. I know I don’t know you in person, but believe me when I say I would do ANYTHING to stop you from ending it all.
One day, things in your life are going to be beautiful. You are going to laugh so hard that tears run down your face. You are going to hear kind words, or have a friend throw their arm around you lovingly. You are going to have the most amazing kiss. You are going to learn so much. Sometimes it is going to be hard and painful again. But you will get through it, just like you are going to get through this. You are going to cherish life and be able to see the beauty in things. You just have to hang on until you get there.
If you ever need a friend, please send me a message on Facebook. If you know someone who needs a friend, have them send me a message. I will understand, and I will not judge. Find me on Facebook and pour your heart out to me, I promise I will read it and write back to you. Just remember that you are never alone. You are loved, and you have so many wonderful things to experience. Just please hang on. Please hang on.
Jennie was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 20 and is now eager to use her experience to help others. She works as a nanny in Parkton, MD, and lives outside Washington, DC in Westminster, MD. She loves painting, writing, and playing her violin in her free time. She is very excited that she will be attending graduate school at the University of Maryland School of Social Work this upcoming fall.